Misplaced Missive #48: Really

Why do I keep doing this?
Fucking lemming jumping over the cliff,
Over and over, it’s never really over,
I think I’m addicted,
To the twisted
Way I hurt myself for you.

You’re my favorite excuse
And my newest distraction.
I like to be used,
Whatever your actions,
Whatever my reactions,
This really has nothing to do with you.

Believe me when I say
It’s not even about you.
Not really. It’s about reality.
And the things I really don’t know.
I don’t know who I am.
I don’t know what I’m doing.
And I, sure as hell, don’t know about “God’s plan”.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough.
I don’t know if it’s worth
Not just giving up.

But with you. For you.
I can have a convenient reason
To look away from my questions,
Focus on commonplace teenage obsessions,
And if you have no objections,
Disassociate from all that’s really on my mind.

You’re my favorite excuse
And my newest distraction.
I like to be used,
Whatever your actions,
Whatever my reactions,
This really has nothing to do with you.

Jessie Gutierrez

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