Viciously – JG

Why rehash the silent past? Just:
Why?
Fuck you.
I have never hated anyone as viciously as I have loved you.
It seems as soon as I’ve loosened the noose my desire slipped around my heart,
You tighten your hold. And pull the leash, ripping open anew old gaping wounds,
Started by my affection, moved from infection to deadly disease –
Tearing, eviscerating, scarring all my hard earned peace,
To bloody ribbons and dripping gore.
I really fucking hate you; I don’t know if I can treat it anymore.
But you don’t know that I hold it inside. I look you dead in the eyes
And I lie.
And I lie.
And I lie.
Because my heart is still tied and my head is still loyal and my hands are still guilty
But –
I have never hated anyone as viciously as I have loved you.
I still love you. I hate you too. Just as much, if not more…
Not for the reasons you assume.
The cruelty of the refusal to let me go. Do you even notice
Your ill timed pull on me? It’s always slightly right before
I move on completely.

Our friendship only breathes as I live in denial.
Your acknowledgement, Your temptation, Your breeching forbidden topics
Slashed through the flimsy netting that kept us stable.
I don’t know if this time I’ll be able
To so simply go back to playing pretend.
I really hate that I still love you.

I have never hated anyone as viciously as I have loved you.
And never have I been so viciously hurt by someone who has hated me,
Despite your claims of friendship and care and concern.
The only thing I need you to learn
Is that if you love me?
Don’t ever let me know.

Jessie Gutierrez

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